My entire life has been a battle between one who just wants to please everyone, be loved, and have no flaws, and one who is resilient to pain, betrayal, and the opinions of others.
I used to think that once I had fully evolved into one or the other, I would finally be a complete human being. Now I realize that it is the struggle, and not the attributes, that makes me complete.
We all have lesser or greater moments in life that define us in some way. One that I will never forget is the first time I picked up a bible. I can’t tell you why I picked it up, nor why I decided to read it from cover to cover. I simply began to read. I questioned none of the stories, I just kept reading, until I came across a verse in the book called Malachi. This verse is a sentence that changed my perspective of God. In this sentence, God himself says “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated”.
I couldn’t figure out at first why that hit me so squarely, so I reread the entire story several times. And then it clicked.
No matter what Esau did, no matter how hard he tried, God hated him. I checked to see if there had been a mis-translation. No. He hated him. God had created a human for the sole purpose of hating him.
Free will had nothing to do with it. God just decided to love Jacob, for all his sneaky and ethically reprehensible deeds, and to hate his brother, for all his hard labour and dedication to his family.
It made me realize that you can struggle and toil all you want, but for reasons unknown to you, some people will reject you, and others will love you. It seems a desolate realization, that anyone could hate or reject someone for no apparent reason. But I saw the other side of it. I saw the side where a human was chosen for love, in spite of his flaws.
Some people will hate us. Some people will lie to us for no reason at all, and they will break our hearts and let us watch them love others in a way they never loved us. And others, they will love us in a way we never thought possible. They will reject everyone else, and they will love us regardless of our flaws.
I can’t say whether God loves you, or if there even is a God. But I can tell you that some day, someone will love you with that same unconditional, biased fervor, if you only open up to believing it.
We are all torn, at some point or another, over the affections of another person. Sometimes we cannot quite explain why. I’ve lost countless nights of sleep, wishing I could brush off their contempt; wishing I could understand why.
But that struggle is because we are human, and sometimes that verse is, for all the irony, the only thing that keeps me going. Because at its core, it simply says, “sometimes there isn’t a reason why.”
-Confessions of a Whore©