The Search

A lot of people spend a great portion of their life searching for the meaning of it. Why am I here? How did I get here? What happens once I die?

I was raised to believe in Christianity, a belief I have struggled with my entire life. I wasn’t brain washed or forced to believe anything, but when you are raised in a home that lives and makes decisions based on a specific belief, you can’t help but carry that with you. There was this part of me that firmly believed in certain aspects of it, and yet somewhere down the line, after reading and rereading the bible, it got lost in the swirl of “I just don’t feel anything” and “I just don’t believe it”.

I eventually came to terms with the fact that I just don’t believe the bible. I just don’t read it and see spiritual truth. But even so, I could never call myself an atheist, because there has always been a part of me that believed in the supernatural. Not in that superstitious way; I don’t freak out if I see a black cat, and I’m not afraid to walk under a ladder. But I do actually believe there are things science can’t explain, and that there are supernatural forces out there.

About a month ago I had a conversation with a Wiccan that stuck with me. So, over the past few weeks, I’ve spent some time digging into it. And something about it just clicks for me. I’m still reading and researching, but I’ve felt a lot more calm from the inside out since I’ve started. I feel more ambition, more energy, and more purpose.

There have been times I’ve felt that I’m going to spend my entire life searching, only to find the answers after I die, but now, for the first time, I feel like I’m on the right path.

I’m still searching, but now I have something concrete I can study, and that’s a start.



Filed under Blog

Fear; an excerpt

Fear manifests itself in many different ways. To many, I seem fearless. To many more, I seem fearful, and weak. To them, there is no in-between. I am either strong, or weak.

The first and biggest flaw in their reasoning is to assume that weakness and strength have anything to do with fear. Fear can be a good thing. Fear is what keeps us from rising toward the sun with wax wings. Some might say that it’s precisely that grounding fear that keeps us from reaching our full potential, but a limitless world will soon become reckless.

I fear many things, and that fear is the very thing that enables me to overcome other fears. It is the fear of dying at the hands of my abusers that gave me the strength to fight back. It is the fear of it happening again that motivated me to strengthen and train myself.

It is fear that keeps me alert, and fear that keeps me alive. Fear of drowning has given me the courage to stand up and fight; fear of fading away has given me the courage to stand out.

Sometimes our greatest barrier is that we are afraid to fear. We all fear. It’s what we do with our fear that makes the difference.


Filed under Contemplations, Novel


My entire life has been a battle between one who just wants to please everyone, be loved, and have no flaws, and one who is resilient to pain, betrayal, and the opinions of others.

I used to think that once I had fully evolved into one or the other, I would finally be a complete human being. Now I realize that it is the struggle, and not the attributes, that makes me complete.

We all have lesser or greater moments in life that define us in some way. One that I will never forget is the first time I picked up a bible. I can’t tell you why I picked it up, nor why I decided to read it from cover to cover. I simply began to read. I questioned none of the stories, I just kept reading, until I came across a verse in the book called Malachi. This verse is a sentence that changed my perspective of God. In this sentence, God himself says “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated”.

I couldn’t figure out at first why that hit me so squarely, so I reread the entire story several times. And then it clicked.

No matter what Esau did, no matter how hard he tried, God hated him. I checked to see if there had been a mis-translation. No. He hated him. God had created a human for the sole purpose of hating him.

Free will had nothing to do with it. God just decided to love Jacob, for all his sneaky and ethically reprehensible deeds, and to hate his brother, for all his hard labour and dedication to his family.

It made me realize that you can struggle and toil all you want, but for reasons unknown to you, some people will reject you, and others will love you. It seems a desolate realization, that anyone could hate or reject someone for no apparent reason. But I saw the other side of it. I saw the side where a human was chosen for love, in spite of his flaws.

Some people will hate us. Some people will lie to us for no reason at all, and they will break our hearts and let us watch them love others in a way they never loved us. And others, they will love us in a way we never thought possible. They will reject everyone else, and they will love us regardless of our flaws.

I can’t say whether God loves you, or if there even is a God. But I can tell you that some day, someone will love you with that same unconditional, biased fervor, if you only open up to believing it.

We are all torn, at some point or another, over the affections of another person. Sometimes we cannot quite explain why. I’ve lost countless nights of sleep, wishing I could brush off their contempt; wishing I could understand why.

But that struggle is because we are human, and sometimes that verse is, for all the irony, the only thing that keeps me going. Because at its core, it simply says, “sometimes there isn’t a reason why.”


-Confessions of a Whore©

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Filed under Novel